British Culture
♫ Cheese & Onion Sandwich's & Derby chinaware.♫
(Chas & Dave - That's what I like)
What is British culture?
Like a fish swimming in water, you cant properly define it because its everywhere.
So without much ado, I shall define it. Avoiding the far left/right dichotomy of what they think British culture should be, allow me to explain not what it should be, but what it actually is.
We are, after all, the masters of understating things
"Things are a bit sticky sir"
Thanks to this radio broadcast from Brigadier Tom Brodie during the Korean War to his American superior an entire regiment of what later came to be known as the Glorious Gloucesters was virtually wiped out.
Had his superior also been British, he would have understood exactly what Brodie meant, a Brit would have known this almost instinctively and understood that the Gloucesters were in fact, looking into the face of total annihilation. They were, and it happened.
Being British is also a sudden and uncontrollable urge to put the kettle on when you aren't remotely thirsty.
Its red buses.
Its putting knitted tea cosy's on top of letter boxes
Its something that has mastered the art of self deprecation
It knows when to tease and when to draw the line (at least it used to)
Its being European, but not feeling European.
Its knowing that black cab drivers aren't actually cab drivers that have black skin, black cabs come in all sorts of colours
See, its a black cab, its also a black taxi, and its not even the colour black!
Its knowing when something is unjust. We have clawed our way out of serfdom over hundreds of years so we know what its like to live under the jackboot of oppression. Remember, this is a culture that withstood the initial spark of the industrial revolution, a time when 1 in 4 British miners, didn't even live to see their 34th birthday.
31st December 1832. Lancashire mill workers took a stand on principle by refusing to touch cotton picked by US slaves
Faced with starvation and poverty, or the easy way out, they chose starvation & poverty. When Brits decide to take a stand on principle, they stick to it.
British culture runs deeper, while generally tolerant, mild mannered and kind-hearted, we really don't like to be told what to do.
When we're told not to serve our brave black American GI's the message is clear
They are welcome, YOU are not.
But we get things wrong (often) But its up to us to own up to our own mistakes, demanding we own up to them comes in 3 stages
1. Sorry about that, some of that was utterly terrible.
2. We said sorry, not sure where else to go from here.
3. Fuck off you wanker.
End of conversation.
We love football, its very tribal for us, the goal is to mock opposition fans as much as it is to cheer our team on at almost demonic levels.
We like cream Tea. yet we only have it in Cornwall or Devon, at all other times, we don't think about it. But once you cross county lines from Dorset or Somerset into Devon it becomes an all consuming lust.
Likewise with Cornish Pasties, you can buy a pasty pretty much anywhere, but it is only in Cornwall you can actually get a Cornish pasty. Even if a Cornishman, in Cornwall, baked some Cornish pasties and then travelled to Devon to sell them, they cease to become Cornish pasties and are now merely pasties.
Ok, I'm being rather silly here, but it does speak to what a British culture actually is, individual areas have an identity but if you add them all up, it becomes British culture. Cornish pasties are part of Cornish culture but they are also a part of British culture. Like Worcester sauce, or Yorkshire pudding, or Pie & liquor. Or Chicken Tikka Masala
The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Kinks We also pay homage to other cultures and adapt it into the wider British culture. Be it sport, food music or anything else, if we like it, it will eventually become part of our culture, that's not a claim that we actually invented it, we just appreciate that there is a ton of stuff that we didn't invent ourselves and a lot of that stuff is bloody marvellous! Its bubble & squeak. its Bonfire night, its the Notting Hill carnival its Glastonbury. Its satire, its a love of the absurd and its fart jokes.
Its Charles Dickens, its Shakespeare, Orwell & Harry Potter. Its being faced with impossible odds and your first response is CHARGE!!! Its accents so diverse that sometimes we even to struggle to understand each other.
Its Churchill defiantly stating "we will fight them on the beaches" yet knowing what he meant was not him, its us! We will go and fight them on the beaches, not him, not anyone remotely close to him either. But we'll do it, because what's arriving on the beaches is probably a lot less pleasant than what we currently have. But I guess that's the same for pretty much all government. Not unique to the British.
No, we have no idea who sits in the current government cabinet, but we will probably know who the prime minister is.
We like saucy postcards and funfair rides that border on the criminally negligent, we like this added danger.
We show reluctance in learning different languages, we find that if you're abroad and you shout in English but just a little slower, that'll work.
If you're travelling around Britain, just remember, if you come across a quaint little village (you're bound to they're everywhere) they will mistrust you and view you with suspicion. Even if you only live a few miles away, you can alleviate this problem however by.
Wearing a "kiss me quick" hat
Walk around eating a 99 ice cream.
Doing either of these things (preferably both) will show the locals that you are, in actual fact a tourist and are no threat because you'll be leaving soon.
We like to separate our 4 countries when it comes to football
England
Northern Ireland
Scotland
Wales
We do this for one reason. We like to hate on each other, there is plenty of opportunity to hate the French, but this hate is especially for us to enjoy.
But we do join up when we compete in the Olympics
Great Britain.
We do this because we were so historically shit, we decided to join up so we can all share the humiliation (sadly this has changed in recent years)
We love a heroic loser
Exhibit A:
When Frank Bruno first entered the boxing arena, he was the "big thing" yet brilliant as he was, he just had this tiny handful of guys who were better.
But he never backed down from a challenge, no matter the odds, he was up for it. A true British, sporting hero.
Our heroes rarely "earn" their spot just by winning lots, it just happens, its organic. Being the best at something, won't necessarily etch your name into British hearts (and therefore cementing yourself as part of a British culture). The journey is much more important than the final destination.
British culture, is a bottom up society, each hamlet, village, town or city develops its own, slightly quirky culture. This is then reflected at county level, at country level and ultimately the National level. everyone plays their part. They all add up to the Zeitgeist that is British culture, this is our identity.
Its highly resistant to dramatic change (check my example on visiting a different village) We remain highly suspicious when the message coming from the top down is "this is good for you, you need this, you are so lucky to be getting this"
Its not up for them to decide.
Can black people be British? Yes of course
And brown people? This is also true.
How do they fit in?
They don't. British culture isn't about fitting in, you work on your local community, you make it a safe, happy and clean environment. The highest compliment you can get from your average visiting Brit is
"Well this is alright innit"
Job done, you have now positively contributed to British culture and in doing so, you have created your very own version of British culture, which adds up to what we call the British identity. Its slightly different, but we're all slightly different, this is the whole concept of British culture.
We like dogs, a lot (but only the ones that aren't going to attack us)
We also like cats (but only the ones who don't piss and shit in our gardens)
British culture is not adverse to flags, we just don't generally go around waving them or indulging ourselves on how brilliant our flag is (after all, everyone's got a flag)
Unless its sport, mainly during football tournaments but also the wider sporting world then its impossible to have too many flags. Also the Royal Family, flag waving here is encouraged, but don't overdo it, because on the whole British culture is pretty reserved.
Upon entering a public building, and the weather outside is inclement, its important you announce to everyone what the weather is like outside. Conversations about the weather should be taken very seriously. Its OK to talk about the weather in a positive manner, but to truly be able to participate in British culture you need to up your game and moan about it being too hot/cold/windy/rainy And when the nights draw in, try and add in a quip about how early it has got dark, this is really getting into the nuts and bolts of British culture.
If the weathers muggy, its essential you point this out to as many people as possible. Likewise when it snows, if you notice that someone is witnessing snow, it is vital you check and report if its also snowing where you are. A key part of this British cultural phenomenon is that even if you are not experiencing snow at that very moment, you can (and must) report on if and when you are likely to see snow.
When someone asks "how are you" its vital you give a vague answer
"Not too bad"
"Pretty good"
"Mustn't grumble"
All these are excellent replies, describing in great detail how you're really feeling is frowned upon (I never made the rules)
British culture is nothing like US culture. As I've said already, British culture is a bottom up society whereas US culture came from the top down. An idea where people are free to dream of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It was written in their declaration of independence. You'll very often hear a president open an address with the words "My fellow Americans"
I don't think I've ever heard The British Monarch or Prime Minister ever open a speech with
"My fellow Brits"
British culture has evolved, a lot! It was built on a small, ruling elite who exploited everyone else in the country, welcome to serfdom. This is the same ruling elite who then went on to exploit loads of other countries. Then they decided that was bad (no shit Sherlock) then retreated back to Britain and invited everyone they had exploited to come to Britain and enjoy the brilliant country they owned (its not that brilliant and neither do they own it) well, not all of it anyway.
This is also a part of British culture & identity. It is not for the ruling elite to decide, it is for us to decide, after all, we created it. We adapted it, we changed it, we smoothed out the creases and we ended up with this identity and culture.
So we remain terminally suspicious of politicians, all of them! none of them escape our derision. for centuries we have been run by a cabal of bad faith politicians who's major interest is themselves, Their ego and their legacy is the only thing that matters to them (well that and money)
It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonored by your contempt of all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice; ye are a factious crew, and enemies to all good government; ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage, and like Judas betray your God for a few pieces of money.
Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess? Ye have no more religion than my horse; gold is your God; which of you have not barter’d your conscience for bribes? Is there a man amongst you that has the least care for the good of the Commonwealth?
Ye sordid prostitutes have you not defil’d this sacred place, and turn’d the Lord’s temple into a den of thieves, by your immoral principles and wicked practices? Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation; you were deputed here by the people to get grievances redress’d, are yourselves gone! So! Take away that shining bauble there, and lock up the doors.
In the name of God, go!”
No, this wasn't the ousting of Neville Chamberlain during the early months of WWII in May1940. Neither was it when Thatcher gained power in 1979. It wasn't even the rise of Tony Blair who was ushered in on an exciting new wave of left wing populism in 1997
This was Oliver Cromwell on the 20th April 1653
It ended badly for him as well
So there you have it, British Culture. It is what it is, like it, or lump it.
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